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☆ Just Jasmine ☆ - A Day In The Life Of JJ
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8th-Sep-2014 08:05 pm - YEAH. IT'S BEEN AWHILE.
Does anyone even use livejournal as, like, a journal/blog anymore?? Honest question because I seem to use it sporatically throughout the year just doing posting so I can remember things I did and so forth.  I mean I lurk ONTD but that's a whole different thing....

Anyways, my tumblr is more up to date with everything I've been going through since May this year.  Basically, to sum it up, I got really sick in May with a sinus infection during finals weeks and didn't sleep for 2 days causing my anxiety to get super off tilt.  I was battling major generalized anxiety disorder and partial depression over the summer while I was taking summer classes in Duluth.  I made it through summer classes...(getting a B in Physics 2 and an A in Music in Film, after having been on the Dean's list Spring semester).  Then I went home for August to recuperate mentally for Fall semester.

As for now...I am finally getting into the swing of things yet again. I've so nervous about my upper divison classes but so excited at the same time(?!?!).  I am hoping things fall back into semi-normal order again.  I have many thanks to my friends, family, and counselor for making me as OKAY as I am now.  By no means am I perfect right now, but I am doing 1000x better than I was three months ago.

Stay gold, sweeties!
John w/ flower
1st-Mar-2014 01:51 am(no subject)
So, It's 1 in the morning and I've been drinking tonight with the fam.  I normally write these posts when I'm clear of mind but right now things seem pretty clear.

My best friend of the last 3-4 years has finally decided I'm not good enough for her...or so it seems.  Things have been weird at the apt the past few week since we got back from winter break.  I've decided I am done making effort of initiating conversation & decided that if people want to actually talk to me they will.  So, things went from there....I knew this day was coming.  I felt it last year.  But, all I've heard from behind the curtain it's really hurt me deeply.  I'm not a person to hide things.  I keep most of everything out in the open.  To go behind my back and see how crappy of a person you really are...that hurt. 

I know people change & times change. This all happened last summer when she got her boyfriend, which I'm fine with, but don't change because of one person & decide I'm not ~~good~~ enough because I enjoy my time on the weekends or when I have free time.  See, as an engineer it's unlikely I will have a day during the week or weekend that it's ok to cut loose.  When those opportunities arise,I'm taking it.  Friday night is my game night.  The night where I forgot everything & enjoy myself.  I'm sorry I wasn't  good enough for you.  Actually, scratch that, I'm not sorry.  i am who I am.  Sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations.  I will forever be myself and there are people who love me for who I am.

Just remember, I was there for you no matter what.  The thing is, I always expect the best in people until they give me a reason not to.  I will give the shirt off my back to someone.  I am an extremely caring person.  If you can't see that & chose to spend your time with people who aren't worth it, I pity you.  You lost someone who cared for you no matter your faults.  Sad you couldn't do the same for me.

No matter the outcome, know I will always care you no matter what you do. You're in my prayers & it's a part of my life I can't & won't erase.
Sexy BB
20th-Nov-2013 02:40 pm(no subject)
Hey all.

It's probably not even realistic to be making a journal entry on here as I don't really know anyone who posts entries on livejournal anymore(we got Tumblr for that!).  But, I feel like this is the only place where I can actually type my thoughts & not have my friends see it and get pissed.

Well,  as I'm sure I stated in previous entries, my freshman year of college was a blast. I had a good time and have a lot of good memories.  A lot of those memories are to do with nights I was so shit-faced I don't remember any of it, but then there are memories where we just had a good time being goody & stupid.  Either way, I don't regret any decision I ever made.

Where I am going with this is some times, especially in your early 20's, it is important to not let people who disagree with your decisions drag you down. You see, I had this friend where she was super helpful to me during a time where I needed someone the most.  I appreciated her comfort & helpfulness, but as time went on we grew a part.  It's a hard thing to be in that situation where you have a good friend & you just drift so far a part that there really is no fixing it and then everything becomes an argument when you are together.  It has been 3 years since I've been good friends with this person and after the last year being bumpy I am glad to say we aren't friends anymore.  Not that I am not glad in the sense of I hate her or anything, but it just wasn't mutual anymore.  The friendship was weighing down on us and the people around us.  It wasn't benefiting anymore.

I would have most likely ended this friendship sooner(last year when everything escalated downhill) but I am an extremely forgiving person and I always want things to work out.  But, this just wasn't one of them.  I had tried & put my whole effort into making it work but sometimes you just have to let things go.

Sometimes, I feel very lonely considering there are only a handful of people I would actually turn to in a time of need, but it's better having 4 quarters than 100 pennies.  Maybe in the future we can talk again, but for now I am not trying to hash anything out.  Time heals all wounds and I am hurt.  Give me time to heal and let's see what happens from there. 
bad romance gaga
31st-Mar-2013 10:21 pm(no subject)
Have you ever felt truly depressed? To the point where you feel as if you'll never be good enough? The feeling you're better off dead? That feeling you get that if you did yourself in that no one would even care?  I've been through so much and, believe me, I am stronger from it, but it's times like this I get so into this sad, pathetic little world of mine that I don't think even if I talked to anyone around me they would understand me.  Mostly because they haven't lived my life, seen what I've seen, been through what I've been through.  It's so hard to find someone to relate to in times like this.  I can't go lean on someone's shoulder right now because I don't want to be seen as the person who is bothersome and annoying.

I fucking hate this feeling.  I feel so fucking worthless. I know I'm not, but all these feelings right now are too much.
John
29th-Nov-2012 10:24 pm(no subject)
It's been awhile since I posted.  I give up trying to regularily update this thing but I will try every month or so.  Anyways, college is amazing/fabulous/awesome yet at the same time really fucking frustrating.  High school did not prepare me for this! Shit, the community college didn't help either.  :-/  I am staying afloat grade-wise as much as I possibly can.  I did just sign up for next semester today and HELLO 17 CREDITS.  I have 5 classes; Intro to Engineering, Intro to Solid Modeling, Beginning ASL II, Calc II, Gen Physics w/ lab.  I will probably be dead by the end of the year at this rate ;_;

I've been having a hard time adjusting.  Sometimes I am ok other times I juts want to cry and cry.  Today, was an especially bad day.  I was so torn between killing myself and just being happy and staying alive.  This isn't meant to be emo by any means, I just had those days were I am so bipolar.  I'll be fine.  I always am.  My sadness lasts for a bit then I am ready to go.  

Going home tomorrow for the weekend.  I am so glad.
Sexy BB
20th-Aug-2012 11:13 pm(no subject)
Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me in a positive way.  You know, how things used to be?  Where you were my shoulder to lean on and I was yours.  I know I haven't talked to you in almost two years but it feels like just yesterday we were back in eighth grade and I met you for the first time.  It makes me sad to know this happened but all things happen for a reason.  Our parting ways was a hard time for me and it still is.  I have a hard time completely letting it go.  I still have all those cards and drawings you made for me.  I doubt you still have those.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you threw them away.  Either way,  I hope you can think of me in a good way.  I still think of you fondly regardless of all the negative things said.  Your words never bothered me.  The last action you made did.  I was chosen over another.  I had a hard time wrapping my mind around it.  You seemed to always care for me and knew I wasn't a  horrible person.  Yet you chose the person who was always in the middle of everything and ripped us a part. I am not mad at you.  I was for a while but those feelings got replaced by just sadness.  I will never fully understand your decision.  I know you made it for a reason and maybe one day if we ever cross pathes again I will be able to understand.  But, for now I don't.   Through bad comes good.  I did manage to grow up and mature in life and our relationship was becoming volatile and consuming.  I felt suffocated.  I couldn't move and was always worried if you would invite me places or think of texting me.  It became draining.  I just couldn't do it.  

I will always think good of you.  You were my first real good friend I had in a long time and things got messed up on the way.  Jealousy, anger, and many bad emotions got in the way.  I always defended you to people who said bad things and yes I did say some bad things about you but it was after the friendship ended.  It was never you.  The other person got in the way and I had to give up and let it go.  I tried so hard for months to make things work out but people grow a part.  We were on the same track for such a long time and then the tracks split in different directions.  Of all my mistakes in my life I wish I could have fixed this one.  I'm sorry for everything and if I ever get the chance to talk to you in a decent setting I will explain my actions and apologize for my mistakes.  Your actions cut me the deepest.  They hurt me the most because they came from someone I cared for like my own family member.  I just hope you think of me fondly and can ever forgive me one day.
5 Cm Per Sec
14th-Aug-2012 11:42 pm(no subject)
So, I am glad I typed up a whole thing for me to accidentally press the back button and it to be gone.  Thanks.  Anyways, it was me talking about moving out from my house, going to college and moving on with life.  Boring, I know.
John w/ flower
19th-May-2012 04:56 pm(no subject)
Hello again, everyone who still reads this.  I have pretty much abandoned this for about a year now.  It's been a long year since I last updated.  I'm almost out of high school! There's only a week and 2 days left! :)  Then I'm off to UMD for a degree in mechanical engineering in August.  I feel like I have so much freedom in my life right now.  I am very happy with where I am and all those people who had pulls on my life a year ago are gone.  

Yesterday marked the last day of my co-worker, David.  I haven't fully cried yet but I know soon enough it will all come crashing down on me again.  It helped that for almost two weeks I didn't see him until his last day.  This kid pissed me off so much, but in his heart I know he is a good guy and I really liked him.  If you love someone you have to let them go.  I know one day we will cross paths again and hopefully he wont be stuck in his horrible relationship and I can get to know him on better terms.

Anyways, life is normal.  My Dad will be visiting me up here for a week on June 4th for my graduation and I couldn't be happier.  It's been almost a year, Dad! 

Till we meet again, lovelies.
Capt Smirk
10th-Jul-2011 09:39 pm(no subject)
 I'm not feeling well.  I don't know what's wrong...well, i kind of do.  

I've been up north visiting my Grandam this past week and I decided to text a friend I hadn't talked to in a while.  It ended up getting into a discussion about the boy I like.  She doesn't approve and said she "doesn't trust" him.  Then she had to say goodbye because her fuck buddy friend was over.  So the next day she texts me again and says we never finished our convo...I was already pissed from before because her basis of not trusting him was a load of bs.  Anyways, she basically made me feel like shit and said because I told him how I feel awhile back I'm "forcing him" into a relationship.  I'm not.  I wanted to get it off my chest that I had been crying and upset about things and apparently that makes me forcing him....I told her specifically I don't know if he likes me back but I think he does.  I told her repeatedly that I'm done talking about him and she replied "because you know i'm right?" I told her "No, because you don't approve that I like someone. I've never even had a boyfriend." she sort of backed off and then I just quit the convo.  

The thing is it shouldn't bother me that much but it has been.  I want to think it's because he hasn't been talking to me as of recently.  He texted me the other day, I replied and no response back.  Then I texted him last night at 1 am because I was feeling lonely.  He never responded but then I realized when I woke up that he had church...duh.  Either way, I'm fucking upset about the world right now.  My Mom is being an ass and a bunch of stuff is going down on the home front.  I wish I felt better....
Alejandro GaGa
4th-Jul-2011 12:48 pm(no subject)
 Uh...hi.  I overreact A LOT and I think my last journal update was part of that overreacting.  

...I think I'm in love. <3
John w/ flower
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