Hello again, everyone who still reads this.  I have pretty much abandoned this for about a year now.  It's been a long year since I last updated.  I'm almost out of high school! There's only a week and 2 days left! :)  Then I'm off to UMD for a degree in mechanical engineering in August.  I feel like I have so much freedom in my life right now.  I am very happy with where I am and all those people who had pulls on my life a year ago are gone.  

Yesterday marked the last day of my co-worker, David.  I haven't fully cried yet but I know soon enough it will all come crashing down on me again.  It helped that for almost two weeks I didn't see him until his last day.  This kid pissed me off so much, but in his heart I know he is a good guy and I really liked him.  If you love someone you have to let them go.  I know one day we will cross paths again and hopefully he wont be stuck in his horrible relationship and I can get to know him on better terms.

Anyways, life is normal.  My Dad will be visiting me up here for a week on June 4th for my graduation and I couldn't be happier.  It's been almost a year, Dad! 

Till we meet again, lovelies.

 I'm not feeling well.  I don't know what's wrong...well, i kind of do.  

I've been up north visiting my Grandam this past week and I decided to text a friend I hadn't talked to in a while.  It ended up getting into a discussion about the boy I like.  She doesn't approve and said she "doesn't trust" him.  Then she had to say goodbye because her fuck buddy friend was over.  So the next day she texts me again and says we never finished our convo...I was already pissed from before because her basis of not trusting him was a load of bs.  Anyways, she basically made me feel like shit and said because I told him how I feel awhile back I'm "forcing him" into a relationship.  I'm not.  I wanted to get it off my chest that I had been crying and upset about things and apparently that makes me forcing him....I told her specifically I don't know if he likes me back but I think he does.  I told her repeatedly that I'm done talking about him and she replied "because you know i'm right?" I told her "No, because you don't approve that I like someone. I've never even had a boyfriend." she sort of backed off and then I just quit the convo.  

The thing is it shouldn't bother me that much but it has been.  I want to think it's because he hasn't been talking to me as of recently.  He texted me the other day, I replied and no response back.  Then I texted him last night at 1 am because I was feeling lonely.  He never responded but then I realized when I woke up that he had church...duh.  Either way, I'm fucking upset about the world right now.  My Mom is being an ass and a bunch of stuff is going down on the home front.  I wish I felt better....

 Uh...hi.  I overreact A LOT and I think my last journal update was part of that overreacting.  

...I think I'm in love. <3

 I've spent months liking someone who doesn't like me back.  I feel like I was just hit with a train.  I've tried so hard to show I care but what do I get back...nothing.  Nothing, at all.  I regret ever liking them in the first place.  I feel so motherfucking stupid that I want to go die in a hole and never come out.

I tried so motherfucking hard and I get kicked by life in the face.

 uhhhhhhhh HI.

I don't really have a whole lot to say other than I DID NOT ABANDON THIS SITE. lolorz;; I've been devoting so much of my internet time into FB, Twitter and Tumblr that I hardly go on here.  Besides, I feel like A LOT of my rants/emo moments go on Twitter now. /sadlife

I've been having car troubles...well it's always been there but it's gotten worse.  I don't have $500+ for a car shop to look at my car so I've been putting it off, but my water pump and timing belt need to be replaced.  I only recently figured out that that is probably what is wrong with my car.  The water pump is getting bad...it isn't spraying coolant everywhere, or overheating my car yet(THANK GOD) but it's causing grinding on the pulleys and it's a really annoying sound.  I am going to get it fixed the end of this week but I have to drive it like that until then.  THERE GOES MY CHECK GUISE.  yeah...I used to have money until I got a car....true story, bro.

But, other than that, I've been okay!  I took my accuplacer on Friday for PSEO classes next year and I did pretty swell.  :)  I can't wait for next year! Senior year, plus only doing actual high school classes half the day. thank god.  I am getting so motherfucking sick of the people at my school.  It's like they're all fucking idiots or something.  I can't even with some of them...There's part of me that wished I did PSEO this last year but I was dead set on not leaving some of the people I enjoyed time with.  But after the shit storm that went down this year and how people treated me, well lets say I'm kind of glad I didn't do PSEO this year.  I mean I wouldn't have grown as a person and I wouldn't get to of known some people who are important to me now A LOT better.  

There's always ONE person that just grinds your gears.  I know mine.  And I want her to DIAF.  Stupid bitch.  

 I never thought it'd happen.  I've always been the person who has a hard time doing things for herself.  I follow people.  I want to do things, but limit myself and think  things are unreachable.  

I've refused to be like that anymore.

I have drifted from a few friends and even thought I feel terrible certain aspects of it in the end I know it's for the better.  I wanted to be my best and succeed in all aspects of life but I was being suppressed from doing so.  Now, I am doing what I want and allowing myself more opportunities than before without feeling like crap for doing so.  I'm on the right track now.  I feel like I can finally do what I want. 

People drift away and as they do so you realize who wasn't really important, I guess.  I gave up trying because it wasn't met with the same try on the other side.  It's been hard.  There are nights where I feel upset and down in the dumps, but I always remind myself I have bigger and better things to do in life.  It's my life and I am finally living it for me.

 I went tanning today and it was amazing.  Honestly, I've been against going to tanning salons for a LONG time, but  sometimes you just have to get over your hatred of certain things.  Anyways, I went with my friend, Nhat, and I was kinda scared when I first got in there because I didn't know what to expect.  Well, it wasn't all that bad.  My heart was beating when I was in the actual tanning bed because the bed was making sounds and I got really concerned that something bad was going to happen ie a light bulb bursting, but nothing happened.  They make it really relaxing when you're in the bed too because there's music playing.  Plus, the tanning lotion I used smells delicious.

I don't intend to become REALLY dark.  Tbh, I don't think my skin can handle that.  I have really fair skin and I burn easily, thus why I am resorting going to a tanning salon.  I just bought some tanning lotion online and I am hoping for it to come Tuesday so I can go again then.  I have a month of unlimited tanning so I might as well use it up!

Life.  What am I going to do with it? What can I do without it?

I have an idea of where I want to go in life.  I mean, after high school that is.  All I can think about is academics/education.  I am for sure going to college, but it irks me friend-wise.  I am scared of leaving but at the same time happy.  Some of the people I associate myself with are really...complete assholes.  Honestly, i don't even know why  I hang with them, but I do anyways.  I think I am just afraid of leaving...I have an issue with leaving people.  ngl I think it stems from the whole divorce situation with my parents and my Dad leaving.  ugh  Anyways, I've just been so concerned with who I should and shouldn't be around.  I try so hard to be around new people because tbh I been rubbed so wrong by people who I thought were important.  It's like I was falling and they didn't even try to help me back up.  :/  Besides, it's not like I'm ever invited along anywhere with them or ever probably even thought about.  

Honestly, I just think I'm so confused right now because I've been practically in love with this guy for a year now and nothing has happened because I'm too shy and the people I used to hang with never bother talking to me.  People confuse me.

I don't know why I even bother.  :'| No one cares anymore....